OK, I've had alot of trouble posting anything on this blog, because I'm having trouble with alot of things lately. And the thing is, I like doing blog posts like the first one, where I'm a Storyteller and the entry is Interesting and Fun, and I'm Brilliant and the quit is Easy and also, I don't know if any of you have noticed, but, I'm Perfect and a Genius and Very Together at all times, with No Problems Whatsoever and I am never Lame or Confused or Panicked or Human.
Godlike and Rilly Rilly Awesome!!! that's Me! (bow down, mortals. LOL)
Perhaps an interesting giveaway is the pseudonym I've chosen here. The writer of this blog is "Minerva", (not "real name goes here") and Minerva is not only a goddess, but a damn major one, one known for being all smart and brave and way cool n stuff.
Anyway, i'm (small case, last week - very very small case) only too human and Week 2 was a bitch. i'll just post an indicative email i sent an enquiring friend, because it covers the ground i'm traversing right now as a non-smoking sherpa. Happily, i feel somewhat better lately... yay! Future blog entries may cover some of the themes touched on below at greater length... or not. Depending on whether i can stand the vulnerability and self-revelation... i'm very comfortable writing small-case-me stuff in my journal, and it is very helpful in working things through.
A blog is great for a quit, because it is a public forum for accountability - and that really helps!!! "Do you really want to have a cigarette or 25, and then have to blog to the entire world that you fell off the wagon and oops, blush?" ANY motivation helps and this blog is additional motivation I've never used in other quits, and it HAS helped alot.
I am starting to run up against just how "real" I want the blog to be, though. I guess I'm not too good with not looking like a super stud all the time. Anyway, here goes...
----------------------email to friend below------------------------
heya,
the quit sux, lol. it is intact, tho.
but the past week has been one of those weeks i just start to wonder if i'm a total screwup or what. i have been drinking like a fish. and eating like a piggo. i swear, i am such a cow now. it is depressing; we gotta be at +15 pounds now; i prefer the jeans unbuttoned cuzz otherwise owie torture so waist +4 inches??? eek. my boobs are larger too, tho! lol. equal opportunity fatness.
medicating the quit, i guess. full on depression, which is weird since Zyban is an antidepressant. i can't be asked to do one single thing, including even cook, and i've been racking up the restaurant bills like someone that can afford them. and this place is a fucking pigsty.
when i'm not doing that, i'm obsessively watching movies (4 of those) and TV series (2 of those), or obsessively reading books (2 of those), or gratefully sleeping. (life is pretty sucky when sleep is a relief and a high point).
i'm just putting some distance between me and the butts one day at a time but i gotta getta frikkin grip here soon. uuurgh. i totally don't wanna write about it in my blog becuzz who knew a successful quit would feel so... totally suck. i feel miserable and out of control. i feel ... down on myself.
now, i'm an alchy and a fatty and someone whose eating is out of control, and a spendaholic (today i had carmelized onion/gorganzola pizza, veal parmigiano and sticky toffee pudding, all at restaurants, aka $$$, urgh) and depressed and pissed at myself
and even the quit is depressing. it's like, wow, i did it. it wasn't that hard. why didn't i do it 15 YEARS ago??? idiot. fuckup. and i find it very confusing in terms of identity or something. it's something i did for such a long time that now that i don't do it, do i have to be against the me that did it? it's like quitting has plunged me in this trap of judgemental-ness. i'm trying to just be inconsistent. it's ok i used to smoke, it's ok i don't any more. no values need be attached to either state.
it sort of feels spooky too, like if i've changed this element about myself, what else is an illusion or blind spot or a chimera? and is there anything left underneath these surface illusions that is more durable? a "me"? what if i think i hate blood sausage and really i love it? poor example. but it's like, WHO THE HELL AM I? and where is this going cuzz if i become one of those sanctimonious asshats who climb K2 pointlessly and stress about getting enough lycopene and ....
... i think i used cigs to be some kind of a badass or someone ... not normal and like, cool and not... square, man. someone different, artistic, beyond the pale, radical.
maybe i need a tatoo or something. cuzz doing something genuinely cool and radical or accomplished like starting a flipping band or creating a company or learning to surf or whatever felt so ... effortful. smoking and going to raves back then suddenly makes so much sense, cuzz it's so LAZY. it's the *pathetic* person's way of being all rad.
anyway i feel terrible. my state of mind is terrible. and confused. and very self-beating-up. which is SO WEIRD> i always thot i'd feel all good and proud if i quit. i feel like shit. LOL. oops. i don't want to go back, i don't want to smoke. but not smoking feels freaky, a non-accomplishment, and i'm PISSED i'm being such a baby about all this.
i guess quits are hard. in ways i didn't expect. blargh. i guess i better start working out, i cannot look this heiffer-esque, dude, on an ongoing basis. MOOOOO. argh.
i cannot wait for this vacances of ours. it will be SO great to see you. assuming i don't EAT my way thru the vacation fund. i finished my stupid book today so the plan is a "work week" starting tamorray. this "play" week has toootally sucked. will get a grip soon, i hope.
------------------end email--------------------------
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